Cut the crap

Today's blog post is about something that I have already addressed on my social media pages, but I felt like this topic definitely deserved a blog post. So, I want to talk about labels.

The 'inclusion' of curvier models within the modelling industry is a great step forward, and something that I wholeheartedly support. But I don't think that the industry is moving fast enough. Why do the labels 'plus size' and 'curve' continue to exist? Why are there hardly any curvier models walking on the runway for big fashion houses? Because, for some reason, a lot of the industry is in denial of the fact that humans don't come in one shape. We are all beautifully diverse, so why should every model come in the exact same size? A model should not be labelled or restricted by her measurements; she should be embraced, whatever number is on the scales. I entered BNTM as a curve model because that is the self image that has been drilled into me by the industry for so long. I was signed with a curve agency before entering the show, and if you take a look at all of the major modelling agencies, anyone with hips above a 36inch is usually classed as curve; all of these things added up to my self image as plus sized.

I was signed with a major modelling agency in London at the age of 17. I was both very impressionable and naive, and I desperately clung on to the idea of sparkling lights and great success that I was promised, on the premise that I lost inches off my hips. At the time of being scouted, I was already suffering from severe anxiety and depression, and my weight had subsequently dropped below my healthy size. My hips were about a 37inch and as I strutted myself in front of the entire agency, comments of "she's very beautiful but too round" rang in my ears. Apparently the directors loved me, but my 'fuller figure' would hinder my success.

So the next few months were a whirlwind of dreaded journeys to the agency where the mere sight of a tape measure was enough to make me feel sick. I was put on a strict diet of steamed veg, with no sauce ,(too many calories), occasional fish and bikram yoga three times a week. I was in tears most of the time, and I became a fragile shell of the girl I used to be. My breaking point came when I almost passed out in a yoga session, only to be told I was now looking too muscular. It took all the strength I had left to finally leave the agency and put my own mental health before their promised dreams, (which never actually came to fruition). And I am so glad that I finally did. My body is MINE and no one else's, and nobody should be pressured to fit into some ridiculous beauty ideal.

I think that rather than questioning who fits into what category, and suggesting how outrageous it is that I am classed as plus size. We should all be more outraged at the fact that this size segregation exists in the first place. Beauty does not have a size limit, nor is it defined by race or gender. The fashion industry needs to open its eyes and embrace the human truth that we are all beautifully unique.

#endthestigma

Today, Tuesday the 10th of October 2017, is World Mental Health Day.

I wanted my first blog post to be about something that I feel I can really talk about, something that needs to be talked about.

My mental health story

I don't want this whole post to be about me, because I know everyone is unique and World Mental Health Day is about so much more than my individual story, but I hope in some way I might shed some light on my 'mental illnesses' and find common ground with some of you out there. I suffer from Pure OCD and depression, and I have done for pretty much most of my life.

I don't like to view my symptoms as 'mental illnesses' because the word illness suggests a sense of weakness and inadequacy. But let me tell you, anyone who has experienced a 'mental illness' is neither weak nor inadequate; they are often the strongest and most resilient people you will ever meet. Why? Because even in the most blinding darkness, they have found a way to the light. Does that make me seem like I think I'm some kind of warrior? It sure does, and I am so proud of my body and brain for fighting its demons every day, and I think everyone should feel that way about themselves. It's not easy having OCD, I spend most of my time thinking about how the invisible crumbs on my chair feel like massive boulders that are dirty under my trousers. Or worrying that the bitchy thought I had about my sister last week, when we were arguing, means that now she's going to die.

But hey, I'm not dying so I need to snap out of it, right? Wrong. Another few comments I've had are 'everything's okay, so why can't you not think about it?' or 'I just want to shake you'. Everything might seem okay to you, but if I don't flick this light switch 10 times evenly, then my mum is going to die, okay?! Try having that on your mind, and 'just not thinking about it'. I sound really angry in this post, and I guess I am...I had to leave my degree at the University of Leeds, and all the incredible friends I met there, because I couldn't cope with my mental state, and people have the audacity to say that mental illness isn't real. So I gave up my lifelong dream of a degree to stay at home all day and cry? Nobody needs that kind of ignorance in their life.

So, why end the stigma?

I want to know why the word ‘mental’ is synonymous with catastrophe and chaos? Mental, by definition, simply means relating to the mind, it exists in conjunction with words such as: rational and intellectual. Yet ‘to be mental’ is to be an outcast, a misfit of society; someone to be avoided. The word mental is usually used nowadays as an insult or a way of describing yourself as 'quirky' or a 'bit weird', I know I'm guilty myself of having used the word in the wrong way. But mental should not be an insult. I have a mental illness yet, I am not mental. Neither am I ‘mentally ill’. I have a state of mind that is somewhat different to societal norms, but I am not poor in quality or incompetent. There should be no typecast for a ‘normal person’, yet in our world, there is. And this is why the stigma needs to end. People are afraid or ashamed to admit to partners, family, colleagues, themselves even, that they have a mental illness and why? Because they might be judged as not good enough.

I am not going to argue that those of us who sometimes suffer and sometimes thrive from our mental states are part of that norm that society throws at us, why would I want to? We are all perfectly, uniquely fallible humans and it is time that the rest of the world embraced this. So maybe next time you think about calling someone 'mental' or dressing up as an escaped asylum patient for halloween, remember that those are actual human beings who are suffering from something you may or may not understand. I think a smile and a bit of support for those people would be a much more outrageous halloween get up, since no one would be expecting it.

#endthestigma #iamwhole #worldmentalhealthday